kaRpu

To say that "kaRpu" is sexual fidelity, as some do, is to show a skeleton for a fully living body. To understand "kaRpu" one needs to understand the four pillars of femalehood for Tamils, "achcham", "naaNam", "maudum", and "payiRpu". Good females with kaRpu must possess a good helping of these four qualities. These are the essence of femalehood so much so that men, to be men, must be bereft of any of them.

"achcham" (fear/timidity)
This is not the same emotion one feels in the face of imminent danger, but is a feeling of constant trepidation. It encompasses fear of strangers, fear of talking to unrelated men, fear of offending others, and a host of other similar fears.

"naaNam" (coyness/shy)
There are two types of "naaNam": one the coyness that inevitably overwhelms a woman in intimate settings and the other the natural womanly shyness in public.

"maudam" (innocence)
"maudam" is a case of extreme innocence bordering on stupidity, ready to believe her man implicitly without question.

"payiRpu" (aversion)
This aversion is about any kind of contact with other men. Even the mere thought of other men is supposed to produce a sense of unbearable revulsion in the woman's mind.

A woman of kaRpu is endowed with a large dose of these qualities; it is much more than just sexual fidelity to one man. However, in as much as there is no easy yard stick to measure these four qualities, sexual fidelity is the de facto litmus test for kaRpu. Either she has it or she doesn't. A woman must always remain faithful to one man all her life. A woman's marital status does not enter the picture. What is crucial is faithfulness to one man. As long as she is faithful she has kaRpu, if not, she has lost it forever with no chance of ever gaining it back. The most extreme case is when a girl is violated before getting married. In this case she enters a state of lost kaRpu. But, in this case, the lost kaRpu can be restored if and when she gets married to the perpetrator of the rape. In case the woman is already married she has no way of restoring her lost kaRpu. She has to live in infamy or take her own life.

kaRpu is the most revered aspect of Tamil culture. Women are taught to value it more than their lives. They are taught to revere and worship women of antiquity who are supposed to exemplify it. They are taught to worship kaRpu. Legends of the power of kaRpu abound. A woman of kaRpu can stop the sun from rising, make rain to fall by the shear force of her will, and defy gravity (this legend celebrates Vasuki, a woman of supreme kaRpu, who while rushing to attend to her husband's command, let go of the rope used to fetch well water, only to find it suspended in mid-air). The long suffering Kannagi, who cut off her breast and burned the capital city of the Pandiya Kingdom to the ground in defense of her cheating husband, is the goddess of kaRpu (if you value your life you are well advised not to say a doubting word about her in Tamilnadu).

These women possessed aNangu, a mystical power which is said to pervade women of supreme kaRpu that can reek havoc if not kept under check with proper reverence. Indeed, Tamil women are to strive to an impossible standard.

Genetically speaking, men have a need to keep their women faithful. As a gene survival machine, a man is hard wired to maximize the chances of his genes surviving at least two generations. There are two ways he can achieve this. One is to spread his seed as widely as possible and expect a few will survive; there is no promise, explicit or otherwise, from either side to remain faithful. A second alternative is to fashion a bond with a woman who promises to bear his seed and no one else's. Since there is no mutual promise of fidelity, a man pursuing the first strategy will have no way of knowing whether any one of his mates will actually bear his offspring. Therefore, he would have to find as many mates as he can in order to maximize the likelihood that at least one would produce an offspring carrying his genes.

On the other hand, the second strategy may be beneficial for both a woman and a man. A woman has to undergo the ordeal of pregnancy and then, after the birth, invest a fairly long period of time caring for the young. Any help she can get raising them, so that they in turn will produce more gene survival machines (carrying her genes), is invaluable to her. To get a man to stay and help her raise the children, she would be willing to promise to him fidelity. She promises to remain faithful to him in exchange for his promise to share in caregiving. Thus, a man desires sexual fidelity from the woman so that his genes will survive another generation and the woman desires help with caregiving from the man so that her genes also will survive.

It is easy to see why a woman is more likely than a man to forgive her cheating mate, as long as he promises to remain with her and care for her and her children. His cheating does not affect the ability of her genes to survive another generation as long as he remains with her, albeit unfaithfully. On the other hand, it is hard to find a man who will forgive his mate who got pregnant by cheating on him. Even if she terminates the pregnancy and promises future fidelity, how can he be sure that the next time she is pregnant it is his genes that are surviving in the woman's womb?

These gene pressures extend beyond just the self. The mindless journey of survival of the genes forces a parent to maximize the chances of his or her children to reproduce. Siblings pitch in for each other and cousins pitch in to a lesser extent proportional to the extent to which they share genes. This pressure results in controlling the behavior of male and female members of the family or tribe such that their chances of breeding offspring who in turn successfully breed are maximized. From the discussion above it is easy to see that the trait men desire most in a woman is sexual fidelity so that they may be assured their genes will live another generation and reproduce. The trait women find most desirable in a man is help with long-term caregiving. Thus, the families, tribes, and societies try to inculcate these traits, respectively, among their female and male young.

The notion of kaRpu developed by Tamils requires that women play their part. kaRpu demands female sexual fidelity without the men promising anything in return, not even marriage. If a woman is violated before matrimony she has available two options to maintain kaRpu: marry the felon or commit suicide. A married woman if violated has only one option: give up life. Her uterus belongs to just one man or else she looses kaRpu, a thing more sacred than even her life. The woman's side of the gene survival deal is now ingrained in the traditions and customs of the Tamil nation. But what about the man's side of the deal? Does he promise to remain faithful to her in exchange for her promise to carry his seed and no others'?

In fairness to Tamils, I must acknowledge that Tamil men also have strict standards of rectitude. Not coveting another man's wife is the hallmark of manliness of a man among men--in Tamil pErANmai, declared Thiruvalluvar. Honorable men are not even to let their gaze fall on the faces of other men's wives. In the company of women, they are to look down at their feet (the lack of toe ring would reveal the unmarried status of women whom they are free to pursue). However, even pErANmai benefits men more than it does women because it provides a code that prevents men from coveting other men's wives. This ensures the womb of a woman remain the exclusive property of one man, her husband.

Yet, these are only honorable qualities, not life or death qualities. If fallen from honor, a woman is required to give up her life to restore that honor, but a man must merely acknowledge his transgressions and express sincere regret.

Now, if we go back to the top and reread the virtuous four pillars of kaRpu, we might not find them so universally virtuous, after all. On the contrary, Tamils would do well if their women were free from the shackles of kaRpu. Knock down those four pillars! Men and women must have the same standards of honor. More than 70 years ago Bharathiyar urged us to burn the foolishness of belittling women. But change can come only when Tamil women rise up and demand it. Good men can, at best, play a supporting role. This kind of change is not something women should accept as a gift from men. It should be a right that women demand and take as a matter of inalienable right.

Today, the pernicious consequences of a woman's loss of kaRpu are less severe than what I have described here, although it remains the gold standard for female virtue among Tamils. Fortunately, progress can never be stopped. Women must cast aside achcham, naaNam, maudam, and payiRpu, and rise up with the ferocity of tigresses and claim their equal right to pursue their self interest just like men.

To misquote an American bigot, equality now, equality tomorrow, equality forever.

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